This is harder than I thought. I say I want such and such for my life - but do I really want that? And lately, I've been having all these temptations with men. What's that all about? Is the universe testing me? I have to be strong.
Last night - I made a good decision to stop seeing someone. It was hard. He tried to make me feel bad about it. But in my heart of hearts, I know he's not for me. It would be another major case of B. Maurice settling. I have been for a long time - the Queen of Settling. So I'm watching the Lakers game with a friend. Everything is good. Having a glass of red wine - something I think I will start doing every night. That little bit of relaxation - plus hasn't it been proven that it actually has health benefits. Anyway, I'm enjoying the game and the company of a friend. I get a phone call from a number I don't recognize. It turns out to be another temptation. Another guy I know I shouldn't fool around with. But a part of me wants to. Yes, I'll be honest with myself. A part of me very much wants to. So what is it? Am I weak? How come I can see when someone else is acting like a fool? But I am very much the fool too. Why is it so much easier said than done? You know, acting right. Being the best I can be. But then I'll settle for something I know I shouldn't. For something that I don't even really want.
Is it a lack of faith? I meditate in the mornings. I guess I need to meditate even more. Am I that bored - that I like this drama? I say I want peace. I say I want a guy who will treat me like a princess. I say I deserve a guy who will treat me right. Who will take me out. Be chivalrous. Be a gentleman. Yet I'm so used to "ghetto" guys. I get easily bored with guys too. I'm always searching for that excitement. Oh what's my problem? Universe please continue to guide me. There's still that inkling of hope, of faith, of knowing deep within my soul. Help me make it stronger.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment