Who Am I

What do I really want in life? Am I kidding myself? Am I fooling myself? Who am I? Sometimes I don't even know. Sometimes I don't know where I'm headed. Sometimes it's a burden to think so much. One of my friends said that to me. He knows because he's similar to me in that way. We think too much. Sometimes I envy people who don't think so much. Or at least that's what I think of them. I'm always thinking of something. It's an effort to not think. Maybe I'm so far away from the Buddhist peace of mind because of this. Who knows? Sometimes I just don't know anything. Sometimes I think of my future and don't know what to think. I have a plan, an idea of the way I'd like things to be -- but experience has taught me that life never goes the way you planned. But what about all that visualization? Doesn't that make my dreams come true? Or is it that my dreams come true in a way I didn't visualize?

Enough with this post already -- I'm thinking way too much for a beautiful Sunday morning!

Am I Afraid of Success

Since I'm being honest with myself - could that be the hold up? Have I been afraid of success all this time? Perhaps so. B. Maurice has believed that maybe she's not good enough to be successful. What would I do? Could I sustain it? Would people find out that I'm really not that good? What would I do with all that money? Would I get lost?

Hey - I'm tired of fearing success. I deserve it. And there's no reason why I can't have it. It all starts with me. So my experiment is not just about love and attracting my soul mate. It's also about me working in my dream job. I am visualizing it more and more these days. I can almost taste it. I feel like I belong there. I want to go back. Want to go back to that profession that made me go to law school. That was the only reason I went to law school. That's part of my purpose here on earth. And I'm good at it too. I'm damn good at it.

I miss the traveling that I used to do. I started to think it was only for the rich. But why can't I be the rich? Why do I always place limitations on my dreams? I miss traveling the world. There's so much more to see, to explore. So many more cultures to observe and admire. So many more places to venture to. A part of my soul is nomadic. And I can run, but can't hide from my true nature. I'm a world explorer. Always have been, always will be. I'm going on a trip this year. No more question about it. I'm going to immerse myself in a culture and remind myself that there's so much more to this world than the city of Los Angeles. Don't get me wrong, I love my city. But I love the world too. I love the peoples of the world. I love humanity. I love the connection that we human beings have, whether we are from the Middle East, Africa, Asia, Europe, etc. I love that we are all basically the same.

Thank You to My Niece

Thank you niece.
Little one.
Loved one.
You teach me how to be a princess.
You teach me, you remind me it's okay to feel beautiful.
When you glow and radiate with that confidence
knowing you're cherished,
you remind me how important love is.
How love's contagious.
That love gives you the wings
you need to fly in this world.

Thank you for teaching me
it's okay to be beautiful.
To be a princess.

Soul Mate - You There?

Soul mate - are you there? In the midst of profiles I search when I'm bored and tell myself I'm only looking - it's just for fun - I don't expect anything - but secretly I do. I secretly hope that I'll meet my soul-mate in one of these super cheesy online dating sites. We'll laugh about it in the future. Normally, we would have never joined such a site. It's not that so and so had any problems with the ladies, with the men... B. Maurice and [Soul Mate] just joined it without expecting anything.

Ladies - it was love at first click. At first look of his profile pic. Ahh, we were one of the rares ones - that ones who actually meet someone of quality.

But oh soul-mate I fear, I know you're not there. You're not in that computer. So why do I get that tinge of disappointment when I see no new winks, no new messages in my email inbox? Why do I even care? A part of me thinks - are you kidding me? You guys that check me out - you're gonna pass on this? Either you're clueless or you're intimidated. I don't know. But I'll admit - I'm personally offended. I know I shouldn't be. But damn. Then I think this is just not the place for someone like me to meet a guy. It's not gonna work for me. But I'll give it some time - and I can say I gave it a chance.

Being Honest with Yourself

This is harder than I thought. I say I want such and such for my life - but do I really want that? And lately, I've been having all these temptations with men. What's that all about? Is the universe testing me? I have to be strong.

Last night - I made a good decision to stop seeing someone. It was hard. He tried to make me feel bad about it. But in my heart of hearts, I know he's not for me. It would be another major case of B. Maurice settling. I have been for a long time - the Queen of Settling. So I'm watching the Lakers game with a friend. Everything is good. Having a glass of red wine - something I think I will start doing every night. That little bit of relaxation - plus hasn't it been proven that it actually has health benefits. Anyway, I'm enjoying the game and the company of a friend. I get a phone call from a number I don't recognize. It turns out to be another temptation. Another guy I know I shouldn't fool around with. But a part of me wants to. Yes, I'll be honest with myself. A part of me very much wants to. So what is it? Am I weak? How come I can see when someone else is acting like a fool? But I am very much the fool too. Why is it so much easier said than done? You know, acting right. Being the best I can be. But then I'll settle for something I know I shouldn't. For something that I don't even really want.

Is it a lack of faith? I meditate in the mornings. I guess I need to meditate even more. Am I that bored - that I like this drama? I say I want peace. I say I want a guy who will treat me like a princess. I say I deserve a guy who will treat me right. Who will take me out. Be chivalrous. Be a gentleman. Yet I'm so used to "ghetto" guys. I get easily bored with guys too. I'm always searching for that excitement. Oh what's my problem? Universe please continue to guide me. There's still that inkling of hope, of faith, of knowing deep within my soul. Help me make it stronger.

A Thank You to My First Follower

I want to say thank you to my first follower. I was so excited when I noticed that. It means a lot to me. I hope that I can make my blog interesting and entertaining. I don't really know where I'm going with it. Sometimes, oftentimes it feels like it's my public online diary. But anyway, thank you. I appreciate it and I think it's so cool.

It's Working!!

The experiment is working! So I'm going to continue it. I said I would do it for two weeks. Well, let's do it even longer. I want to see how great this can really be. I guess the key in this experiment is believing. And I'm believing. I want to believe. Why not?

I used to be so shy. So timid, so insecure. I'm done with that. Why can't I think I'm a bomb person? Why can't I think well of myself? I guess I'm working on my self-esteem. But it's amazing to see the powerful and lasting effects of one's esteem. To see the effect it has on one's life. I've been working on this issue my whole life. It has been one of my personal struggles, challenges if you will. But all the hard work is paying off. And it's such a sweet success.

The faith is growing more and more - and replacing the doubts that still rise up in my mind. I have a soulmate. I know it. Everything in my body knows it. I'm being pulled towards him. And he is being pulled towards me. Everything will happen at the exact right moment. Nothing I can do to change that. The universe is guiding me.

I'm beginning to visualize him. As Jeff, one of my angels from the other night, told me - have a vision of who he is - on the outside and on the inside. And this way when you meet him - you'll now. Hmm, so is this a case of love at first sight? I don't know.

So here we go:
He is tall, has dark hair, and is lean and muscular. I can still wear heels and he's taller than me. He is athletic. I'm athletic. Can't be with someone who doesn't care about his body and have those similar values about exercising and its benefits on one's health. But more important he is genuine, kind, intelligent, educated. He is funny, outgoing. Even that sounds pretty generic. He is close with his family, but not a mama's boy. He is a real man. Still believes in chivalry. He's going to want to take care of me. He is going to be my man and I his woman. My prince and I his princess. We're going to be best friends. He's going to have a spiritual side to him also. We're going to travel the world and have babies. We're going to create a life together. But we're complete before we meet. We're fulfilled in our lives. We don't need each other. But we love each other and want each other. Our souls are meant to be together. And nothing in the world can keep us apart.

Another thing Jeff said - is that I could have already met him - it's just that neither of us were ready for each other. Hmmm... have I met you yet?

The Universe Sent Me Two Angels

Two angels were sent to me last night by the universe. Just another nudge in the right direction is what I needed and the universe responded. I'm still conducting this experiment, this "Secret" type of experiment to find out if it's really true that what I dream can become my reality. And last night, the universe sent me a resounding Yes!! to keep me believing. And I have to say thank you!

Last night my best friend and I met at Souplantation to grab a relatively healthy bite to eat and to catch up. It had been a few weeks since we last saw each other. The way the universe blessed the both of us actually, is by sending two angels, two beautiful souls to the table right next to us. At first I thought they were an older couple on a date. By the end of the night, we were exchanging hugs and wishing the best for each other.

Initially I thought they were an older couple on an awkward date. They couldn't have been a married couple because of the way they acted with each other. Like they were getting to know each other. I glanced at them through my periphery and noticed the man had a wedding ring. I thought oh brother - this guy is meeting with his mistress. That's nice. Then I wondered if he had let the woman pay for her meal. Cheap-o. I hoped he hadn't because that would just make me feel sorry for her. I can't stand a man who'll let a woman pay. That's just plain wrong in my book.

How it happened - well my best friend can kind of be a social butterfly. I don't know how she started talking to them - but she did. I didn't say much. It depends on my mood I suppose. Sometimes I'm very much the social butterfly as well and will speak to anyone. Last night I let them do the talking.

Anyway, here's the jist. They were a married couple - for 25 years, with a 23 year old son. They were as much in love with each other now, if not more. In fact more. That's what the man told us. He loves her more now. I told him - Give us hope. Because sometimes we feel like giving up. Giving up on the idea of love, of a man who's out there for us.

They told us not to settle, to keep an open mind, to know exactly what you want and how badly you want it. The woman said - the universe is asking you how badly you want it. Are you willing to wait for the right one for you, or are you going to settle? If you settle for someone, the universe will say fine - that's what you get. If that's what you want, that's what you get.

You see - it's true -- what we put out there -- becomes our reality. She said another thing that I loved:

"God has a dream for you, greater than you can ever imagine."

I believe it. My heart, my soul, my being believes that. I just have to stay strong. I don't want to settle. I don't. Deep inside me I have a vision, an inkling, sometimes it's stronger than an inkling. It's a deep powerful energy, sense that speaks to me and says that my dreams can come true. That I am better than I ever give myself credit for. That that dream man, my soul mate - he's out there too - he's looking for me too. We're both growing right now. But he's on his way.

And maybe I've been lost for the past two years. Maybe I've been lost for the past 5, 10 years. But I'm coming home. B. Maurice is coming home. She's returning to her dreams. She's an educated, intelligent, articulate woman. She's a kind, compassionate woman. She's beautiful inside and out - and her beauty and positive energy radiates from within. She has a glow. She is successful and rich. She is healthy and continues to practice yoga, meditation, and swims. Yes, she'll be swimming until her old age. She'll be one of those women you see in the pool - 65 years old and still swimming her laps.

That quote - by Nelson Mandela, I think - is so true. So applicable to me. It's not failure or what not that scares us -- it's our power. I can look back onto my college years when I began to tap into my dreams - and I lost it. I returned to old patterns. I gave up. I said it was too good to be true. And now I'm going back.

So to the universe, to the Divine -- thank you. With gratitude I accept your love and support. And thank you to the two angels - Helen and Jeff. May the universe continue to bless you. Namaste.

Meeting a Guy for Coffee

I met a guy last night for coffee. This wasn't our first time meeting. But come on folks. Where's the chivalry? Is it dead? Okay so he held the door open for me. But one time he almost forgot. Then I paid for my hot chocolate myself. Come on!!! I don't get it. Does a guy think he's impressing a girl by letting her pay for herself? Some men are just clueless. And that was the number one deal breaker for the guy last night. I know I know that if he had other great qualities I might overlook it - maybe he's trainable. But some things a man should already know.

And then there's this chemistry thing that's so important. You can't manufacture it. It's either there or it isn't. As we walked on the sidewalk, this guy was like several steps in front of me. Sorry, but I like a guy who wants to walk with me. Either he's not used to walking with women or I don't even know. There's no excuse for that one in my book.

Ahh dates of these sort - just help me along on this journey of self discovery and self-fulfillment. There we go again - always pondering the deep stuff. I could just say I wasn't attracted to him. But I have to super analyze it.

Also, the conversation didn't flow. I like a guy who's totally into me. And why shouldn't I? It's hard once you've had a taste of what you're really supposed to be treated like - to tolerate anything less. I'm supposed to be treated like a princess. You should be honored to have some of my time. But so many guys are clueless. Where are you prince? My prince? What do you look like? I'm waiting...

The Experiment is Working

So I'm tripping out on how this experiment is working. It works. My life is as great as I want it to be. I'm returning to a place of faith and belief. I'm believing again in myself. Such a simple feat to accomplish - but it's not as easy as one might think. I'm believing that my dreams can come true. I'm going to post my dream board back up in my bedroom. I wrote all the dreams that I want to come true this year 2010. It involves my personal life, career, travel, and love. It can come true.

So is it true that we're just a bunch of vibrations? What I give off in my energy will be returned to me?

Here's the test - what I want to come true is my dream job. Let's see how long it will take for this to happen.

Men Help Me Understand You

A mini experiment is getting into the minds of men. And in my dating adventures, I feel like I am doing sociological field research. I am brought back to my senior year in college when I had to complete one quarter of field research. It was bogus. I did something on race and disparity. Your typical sociological ware, if you will. Nothing that excited me because it was old already to me. Yeah, race, class, and all that -- I know that's how life is. Tell me something I don't already know.

So in my discussions with men of late, I am trying to conduct a mini experiment. I don't know if it's the men I'm really studying, or myself. Probably both. Or probably about me. And sometimes as I gain knowledge about men - I feel like I'm maturing but it's kind of a bummer. It makes me that bit more cynical, skeptical. It extinguishes a spark in my heart. It chips away at the wall of innocent love. And I don't know what's better for me. To know and really understand men, or to still believe that there is such a thing called a soul mate. It's like the mature me is pulling against the innocent naive me. Who will win in the end?

Will I keep the faith? Will I continue in this experiment of life? Will I release and let the universe guide me? Will I meet that awesome guy which a part of me has always believed exists and who is meant for me? Or will I give in to reason, to reality? And live a life that's not meant for me? Or will I believe in that magic? Even if at the risk of never meeting anyone. The risk of being wrong.

Why are some men players? Why are some men so good? Why are some men so hot? Why are so many others not?

I'm just independent. Too independent maybe for my own good. Yet I still think it's a good thing. I don't have to tolerate certain things. I have my own life. I am happy all by myself. And that's why that young at heart part of me, that me who's in love with love - that part of me intuits my soul mate and knows he is reaching me, he is coming to retrieve my soul to be with his. He's going to enhance my life, and I his. We'll already be our own independent, beautiful, gracious loving selves. He's my dream, and I'm his. Because some dreams do come true if you believe in it enough. The universe conspires with you to bring it into fruition. My love is my world. That's all my world is. Love.

The Experiment Continues

I'm still going through with this experiment. This experiment called positive thinking to change what happens in my life. So far so good. I think it actually works. It's a trip to realize that your thoughts create your life. But it's true. And everybody's been saying it, been talking about it. Just in different ways. It's a trip to finally realize something, an outlook, a perspective, a belief system that you've been studying for a while, for years. To finally get it. Unlock the secret in your heart. that was always there.

Does it take 35 years to get there? It has for me. But I'm not afraid of getting old anymore. It's just a trip, and then you die. Now I'm quoting Tupac. I'm such a poet.

It takes a while for some I suppose. It's taken me my whole life so far. To get a glimpse at what life is about. It's a trip to leave your ego at the door. To check it at the door. It's a trip to experience life in its essence.

And why am I such a tripper? Trippin out about life. All the time it seems like. This can't be normal, can it? I'm a thinker. I'm in my head. It's a blessing and a curse. I wish I didn't have to think things. That brain - she's always spinning.