An Experiment

I'm going to try something. Something crazy. I'm going to conduct an experiment - called faith. I'll try it for two weeks. I'm going to think awesome positive things that are true about me - and see if they come true. I guess this is also called positive, optimistic thinking, and a healthy attitude towards life. :)

I'm always hard on myself - like super hard. Never give myself credit. But I know I'm better than that. It's a struggle to remind myself and to feel it on a day to day basis. I want to overcome this challenge before I'm old and gray, and I realize I wasted my whole life thinking I was never good enough. What a burden to carry on one's shoulders? Isn't it?

So I want to start before it's too late. And I will start this experiment right now!! Just an experiment, no biggee, no long term commitment we're talking here - just a test run. The test, the ultimate question is this -- Can life be as awesome as I believe it to be? Is it possible to experience life in a deeper, more gratifying, meaningful, joyful state? This is my experiment folks.

Online Dating

Can someone please explain to me this online dating? Okay, okay - I have tried it but with no success. The reason I believe it can't work for me is because I'm not your average person. I'm so complex - aren't we all? First of all, people always look different in person - different from their pictures. So that's one thing - you develop this image of the person based on their profile pic, and any other pics they've posted for their would-be mates. That's one thing. Plus - it's all about chemistry - how you click with someone - their energy - that can't be re-created on the computer. No siree. Like my eight year old nephew tells me - if you want a boyfriend, just use your eyes, not the computer. Ah my little man - he'll always be my little man. What a kid right? What common sense that I feel I've lost touch with of late. And how can you sum up who you are? I'm a woman with many different layers to her. That can't be fit into a summary. Plus you try to put out this image of yourself. But we all know we're not just that great person that we describe. We've got our low points, our idiosyncracies, etc. I just find it limiting, is all. I just find that it's not for me. I'd rather stay single and be me, comfortable being me, than trying to catch someone on an online dating. Oh and that's another thing - it's totally like shopping for a boyfriend, if you ask me. And this too came from my nephew's mouth. You go on a date with one guy -but you and he have been browsing and shopping for a date, so to speak. It's too much for me. It's too contrived. And the meeting in a public setting - for the first time. You want to make sure it's him you're going out to see. That awkward moment -- no way - it is just too much for an introvert like myself.

It's Been A While

I remember one of my neighbors and high school classmates telling me, "If you don't follow your heart, your heart will follow you." And how true did that turn out to be? What am I talking about right now - I'm not sure. Just that I'm thirty five years old and still trying to figure life out. But I've got the heart of a kid, and an old soul at the same time. Am I even making sense to myself?

So here's the thing - this is just my story about life - about trying to figure life out. I'm no more special than anyone else out there in this grand old world of ours. But I'm special at the same time. It's a story about a girl trying to find her identity, her way in the world - and frankly I'll be dog gone honest about it - I'm not sure if I've figured anything out at this point.

I want to connect with people out there - but I'm more of an introvert - and being in large gatherings of people is so draining on my spirit. Like this coachella event that just took place this weekend. I can see that for a lot of people - it's a totally fun thing to do. I don't really see why though, especially if it's true you don't shower for the 3 days. But some people enjoy events like that, crowded with people, live music, and on and on. The comraderie, the exchanges that take place between the people - it's all fun. But to someone like me, who's most comfortable when she's home and in her house clothes (and by that I mean comfie clothes that I typically only wear at home - as opposed to full-blown pajamas), who's relaxed, and either by herself or with her close friends. I guess that makes me an introvert - or that's one of the things that makes me an introvert. I need my solitude. I need my quiet. Here's a cheer to all us introverts - and our need for me time. I can't imagine life without it.

A lot of what I write about revolves around love. I am forever the hopeless romantic and I haven't given up on one day meeting my soul-mate. Naive, maybe. Me, totally.

I'm also trying to find that happy medium, that balance - and Buddhist philosophy speaks so clearly to me in this respect. I mean more so, than my catholic teachings I was brought up with. But yes, I do still say a prayer to St. Jude when I need a miracle. Some things you can't help. Some things you don't want to help.

I stopped writing this blog a while ago - cuz I thought - what's the point? But here am I - months later back - I'm drawn to it. I'm writing for myself. But maybe someone will find interest or find it amusing, or be able to relate to some stuff. So here I go - I don't know my purpose, but I'm being pulled in a certain direction.